Patron Saint of Headbutts

IF MY BEARD GREW A BEARD _______________

My hermit status has become official. I think this is a major milestone in my life.

I'm pretty sure I've lost my job so I guess, once I shave off this AMAZING BEARD, I will be looking for another one.

PROS
I can leave this motherfucking town and never come back
I would make an effort to throw cars around
I would be punching a lot of vampires in the fact and not just hitting them with my cane
Super fast!
I could probably smoke again
Wouldn't need to eat food all that much
I can leave this motherfucking TOWN
Never come back

( cons )

I am sure I could come up with more.

I bought a new chair, and it is the best chair ever. Also bought a new shelf, put that shit together and took a hammer to the old shelf. Hitting things with hammer is an oddly soothing (and fun) thing.

Sooner or later I'll be thirty, which had me wondering just how bitter can a man get in a few years? I thought I'd water down my bitterness a bit so that, by 60, my bitterness will be a pure thing. I'm 6'3" and I wonder just how much I'll shrink by 60. Will I be doubled over with a cane or will I be one of those old dudes who remain mostly fit for some crazy, inexplicable reason (witch craft/devil worship)? Having a kid is out of the question since I've not had my dick twixt any lady's nethers in a long damn time.

I was listening to David Cross who is way older and he was talking about how he hasn't taken a solid shit in years. I'm thinking not being able to take a solid shit would be one of the less awesome things about getting older. Hell, looking forward to a day when you have a solid shit would be less awesome.

In seven years will the crock of people thinking vampires are actually gods be out of style? I'm already over it and, yes, those who think vampires are the closest thing to gods are fucking crazy motherfuckers. You're free to your religion and I am free to disrespect you so hard.

What would be sadder:

A blind vampire

A vampire healed of blindness that constantly runs into shit because he has zero depth perception.

Option one would be hilarious and option two would be hilarious-er.


This message brought to you by a bored individual.

What can be said in New Year rhymes,
That's not been said a thousand times?
The new years come, the old years go,
We know we dream, we dream we know.
We rise up laughing with the light,
We lie down weeping with the night.
We hug the world until it stings,
We curse it then and sigh for wings.
We live, we love, we woo, we wed,
We wreathe our prides, we sheet our dead.
We laugh, we weep, we hope, we fear,
And that's the burden of a year.


Uggghhhhhhh

I am feeling antagonistic tonight.

Well, every night/day.


I can't fucking wait to be 70.

Merry birthday to me! BOOSH.

OH SHIT LIVINIA


Why so flippin' awesome? homnomnomnom


And to the rest of you:

My birthday is on December 25th.

Eight and a half hours of Bernie Sanders filibustering.

Suddenly gay for Bernie Sanders.

Goddamn, I want a cigarette.

I BE
HARDCORE HONKEY GALORE
NO ONE I KNOW HAS EVER BEEN POOR
EVEN THE POLICE THEY KNOW THE SCORE
MY DADDY IS A LAWYER
AND THERE'S NOTHING THAT I'M SORRY FOR
RETAIL STORES LIQUOR AND WHORES
I GOT ONE BLACK FRIEND
AND I DON'T WANT MORE
THE ONLY THING BETTER THAN STAR WARS
IS A KEYTAR SOLO FROM 1984

I BE
WHITE
YEAH
SUBURBAN
YEAH
MIDDLE CLASS
OHHH
I NEVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN

GODDAMN SON, I need to take a long walk out of this town.

I can't believe there are people actively trying to stop other people from voting. I heard a commercial claiming that a vote for democrats would be a vote for bread lines and the great depression and a bunch of other stuff. Holy shit, the fear tactics are really fucking annoying and I wish I had the power to make people's heads explode.

What the fuck, America.

I'm coming for you, Rachel


Me and my scoliosis

If I wake up with an aching back, I have to fucking wonder what kind of pretzel formation I was in during sleep. Uggghhhh.

Brock: Did you see I got cornered by Robin last night? Almost had to chew off my own arm to get away.

Hunter: Oh! That poor woman has the saddest tits! Damned depressing.

Brock: Right, yeah! They're like "The Notebook" sad!

Hunter: Her tits are like coming home from school and finding out your old man ran over your cat sad.

Brock: Mournful. She has mournful tits. They're like two suicide notes stuffed in a glitter bra.

Hunter: Those things are like a little kid with progeria cracking all his ribs trying to catch a Nerf ball. Just sad. Dammit, she has gloomy tits!

Brock: It's like she put a dollar's worth of change into some old socks and then taped 'em to her chest.

Hunter: I want to build two little caskets and give her tits a tasteful, dignified funeral.

WHAT DAY IS IT?

I feel like I haven't smoked for at least a year, it feels like a year. That shit doesn't even make sense.

No more head cold, so there's that.

Blah blah blah insignificant ramblings blah blah

[Ciardha]
Come take care of me while I pretend to be helpless.

Note: an excuse for you to come over. A poor excuse, I might add.
[/Ciardha]

It's like someone is punching my sinuses with their giant, meaty fist. It's not cool, not cool at all. I sound funny and I was told that my eyes and nose are red, so obviously I'm Rudolph and I will be flying around throwing bricks at all of your houses.

My aim is pretty shit though.

A MOTHERFUCKING HEAD COLD

I knew I shouldn't have quit smoking.

I'm giving up cigarettes


I am going to be soooo much more angry now. It's gonna be awesome.

So the same people that say that Park51, a community center half a mile away from ground zero with a prayer room for Muslims, is in bad taste, and yet a bunch of white people acting out Martin Luther King's speech and rally at nearly the exact same spot is perfectly classy.

How much would it cost to pay someone to go and harm Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and whoever else?